In the wake of another Todd Bertuzzi-induced fiasco (this one stemming from his appointment to the Canadian Olympic Team), I figured it’s time to ask a question I’ve rarely heard discussed. I tuned into the FAN590 this morning (the local Toronto-based talk-radio station), and was amazed, again, to hear the depth of people’s emotional investment in professional sports. I guess if that energy’s not going to work, or family, it’s all piped into sports.

Some people think there’s nothing wrong with being a fan; it’s perfectly normal behaviour, and a helluva lot of fun. But there’s one thing about sports fanatics that you’ve got to find really scary: sports and reality don’t mix. And even if that’s not dangerous, it’s just plain wrong.

Sure, it’s all right to have an opinion about Bertuzzi’s roster berth. But think what kind of wheels have to be turning in your head to make you pick up a phone and call a radio station. People argue this thing like it’s Roe V. Wade, when really it’s just some guy going to play hockey.

Professional athletes play for money; fans root for teams. There’s bound to be some conflict. Look at Oakland’s Black Hole for that trip through the looking glass. When people start dressing up as characters from Beyond Thunderdome, isn’t something wrong? What relationship are we suggesting between grease paint, 6-inch plastic spikes, leather chaps, and football? The Raiders are supposed to be pirates, not James Morrow characters.

We cheer for our favourite teams like the leagues they play in are government-regulated. Well the business side of the game is heavily scrutinized, but the performance side is wide open. How else can you explain umpires calling balls and strikes in baseball? The entire game rests on umpires making good calls. Yet there’s no replay, even on crucial game-winning plays. And though computers could call balls/strikes with 100% accuracy, no one’s willing to consider the possibility that the game might be improved. The cry’s always been that fans love the human element of the game. How about the famous “bouncing” strike-three in the Sox-Angels series? I didn’t hear too many fans happy with the human element in that one.

And what about the NFL? It’s absolutely astonishing how often drives are extended on phantom interference/illegal contact/holding penalties. In many ways the entire game depends on the officials’ discretion when it comes to throwing flags. Like it or not, the NFL is what it is because of gambling. Millions and millions of dollars are won/lost every week because of bad calls. It works the same way in hockey, where power plays often decide winners/losers.

Of course the pro leagues are equally incompetent when it comes to disciplining players. And this is where the line between sports and reality is really drawn. Fans are now so far removed from professional athletes that the players on the field are just jersey names and numbers to them. How many people out there have ever heard Albert Pujols speak? How many people would know Javon Walker if they saw him on the street? These guys are like gophers, walking through tunnels when they get to the stadium so fans don’t hound them for autographs.

But what about standards of conduct? Every league has a ubiquitous moral clause that punishes players who act out in the “real world.” But those often lead to single game suspensions. And we’re all aware of the steep $5,000 fines levied at athletes for violating league policy. Let me put this succinctly: leagues don’t care who suits up for them. Hockey has a long history of drunk drivers, alcoholics, and spousal abusers. Football players get into bar fights. Baseball players have been known to do anything; from being physically abusive to the media, throwing tantrums on the field, spitting on umpires, to throwing firecrackers in the stands. NBA players have that thug image down, but they seem to be well-behaved. And can you punish these guys for hanging out with the “wrong” people?

We’d like all our athletes to be good guys, but it’s never going to happen. A lot of them grew up poor, sacrificed education for athletics, and were spoiled rotten by high-school/college coaches and fans. More than half are good, decent, and hard-working, but don’t kid yourself about the jerk contingent. There are low-lifes in every sport. A lot of them. And their job is to play. Regardless of what they do outside the lines, they’re going to suit up with the rest of the team and earn their money. As long as they’re not actually in jail, pro athletes are going to be playing. Look at Ray Lewis and Jamal Lewis: both faced serious felony charges and now Paul McGuire and the Monday Night Crew don’t think twice about heaping the praise on them.

And we’re upset about Todd Bertuzzi…Pete Rose can’t get into the baseball Hall of Fame, but violent, racist a-holes like Ty Cobb are legends.

That’s the sports world for you. It’s everything but real. And the scary thing? Fans love it.