Because this might or might not be my real name, I’ll tell you the truth about Andruw Jones. He sucks. He’s garbage. He’s the baseball equivalent of the world’s largest Lifesaver–a big, fat, zero.

OK. Now let’s analyze the guy.

Jones, who signed a two-year deal with the Dodgers last summer has been tearing up the aether this year. He’s been shredding LA smog/air like Brian Wilson’s 409, racking up 39 punch-outs in 117 at-bats. That’d be fine if his Slugging % didn’t sit at a wizened .274. One HR in ‘08. One.

Understand this: His OBP is .287; his SLG % is .274. His OBP is higher than his SLG %. SLG % is total bases divided by at-bats. That means his bat’s earned him a whopping 32 bases this year. In 38 GAMES. And he’s walked 18 times. He’d be better off going up there with his dick in his hands.

But don’t blame Jones for this mess. The guy hit .222 last year with a .311 OBP. And, for that, he was rewarded with a $30+ million deal. Ned needed him; Ned wanted him. And Ethier, Kemp, and Pierre? “Oh, you know, I’ll do sumpin’ wit’ ‘em.” Here’s Jones’s four-year AVG trend: .263, .262, .222, .179.

His four-year SLG % trend: .575, .531, .413, .274.

Sure, by all means, give this man $19 million.

Andruw, who was born April 23, 1977, has peaked. Shocked? He’s 6′1″, 250, and he’s peaked. In fact, peaked is too apt. He got to the top, smacked his lips, and tumbled off the precipice.

But the guy could redeem himself in so many ways. Like how ’bout getting in shape? Jeremy Shockey, a tight end with serious lower-body strength, is 6′5″. OK. Mark that down. Jones is 6′1″, 250. Know what Shockey’s playing weight was last year? 251.

Brian Urlacher. Brian Urlacher! an MLB–one of the toughest, most physical positions in any sport–is 6′4″. Last year he played at 248.

Jones plays baseball. He doesn’t tackle anyone; he doesn’t block defensive ends. He just eats like he does.

And now he’s in a battle with Dodgers columnist T.J. Simers. Simers challenged Jones to go on a diet. Jones said no. Simers stopped eating donuts, and he’s shed a few pounds. He’s trying to show A.J. how it’s done. He’d have better luck buying him Sister Carrie for the next Vallejo Valley Book Club meeting. “I don’t read no books,” Jones’d say. “Books don’t tell me nothing I don’t know.”

Dodgers fans are starting to rip Jones; they want Andre Ethier in the lineup vs. LHP. And, you know what, they’re right. Andre went into today’s game hitting .301 on the season; he’s clearly the better player, and he’s actually got upside. But what can you do with an $18 million aging stud? Put him out to pasture–grass is pure fibre.